I’ve somehow made it this far into adulthood believing that in order to have people over, my home must be immaculate. So (newsflash), this means I almost never host. Which is a real hindrance, gotta say, because I really want my friends and family around. 

Maybe you can relate?

A few years ago, I brought a friend of mine upstairs to get something out of my makeup bag. “I never get to come up here!” I remember her saying. It kind of clicked for me then that I was literally NOT hanging out with my friends in my home, or, at best, gatekeeping parts of my house, because I felt that they weren’t tidy enough. Or maybe it was my fear that if someone saw my mess, they’d think…I was a mess? (Gonna need to unpack that one at a later date.) Needless to say, my inability to keep a pristine, clutter-free home was reducing my social interactions. Which is crazy! I wanna see my friends! In my house! 

But it’s also SO COMMON. I’ve talked with a lot of people about how the labor that goes into preparing to host deters one from hosting entirely. And then we don’t get to break bread and build bonds and talk about Summer House. I went searching on Substack to see if any writers have tackled this phenomenon, and they sure have. 

“Feeling like our houses ‘aren’t clean enough’ to have people over is a huge hurdle that can take some self-work. Many people are raised with exacting standards about how a house should look ‘for company’ that don’t fit into our modern world with work and caregiving demands.”

That’s from Katherine Goldstein, who coined the term “Deep Casual Hosting” as the antidote/workaround: Basically, have people into your home anyway. Doing so “sets a tone for others that they can also host without massive efforts and preparations.” She suggests defining a “minimum viable cleanliness standard,” e.g., maybe the floors are clear of clutter, but the counters don’t have to be sparkling. 

I think the myth of the perfect home (and the perfect meal, and the perfect host, too) is antiquated, and entirely unrealistic. And I think social media has perpetuated this trope by inundating us with aspirational, perfectly styled interiors that look more like museums than actual houses. But…we live here! There will be crumbs. 

And let me be clear: I have friends who are passionate, fabulous hosts, who genuinely enjoy setting a mood and cooking and curating an intimate gathering. I’m talking about our daily mess deterring more frequent, casual hangs. That self-consciousness keeps us isolated from one another, and I wish we all felt free of it. 

Anyway, that’s it for today. No product round-up, no hero brand, no deep dive on third-party certified organic linen napkins (though I can recommend some if you need them). Just a reminder from House Party that your next “house party” can be in your unkempt living room with boxed macaroni and cheese or takeout so long as your favorite people are there. I’m doing some serious deprogramming to get comfortable with this because I think it’s really important for me and for my family and our broader community. Reply and tell me if you’re already a “deep casual host” or if you’re working on this, too? 

More on this topic: Kin, The Future of Family: I’ve been reading Sophie Lucido Johnson’s book about building your village (an ace library find I stumbled into!) and I highly recommend it if the concept of casual hosting resonates with you. It goes a step further to dive into how we can get more comfortable asking for help from our friends and neighbors, while proactively offering support to them, too. Less isolation, less perfection, more: How can we join forces to make life feel a little lighter? 

Give me deeply casual but also give me dumb: Dumb phones, meet dumb houses. Give me a home without a TV on my fridge, where we listen to the whole record, and I don’t have to use my smart phone as mission control for bedtime with my one-year-old. My friend Lisa shared this and 🎯🎯🎯

The best $5 I’ve ever spent: Speaking of all things analog, we’ve officially entered a chapter of life where a giant wall calendar is required. I walked into Target the other day and they had this and it was $5 and I used lots of colorful pens to make a color coded masterpiece. The end. Unfortunately, by the time I drafted this newsletter, it was out of stock (keeping the link in here in case that changes). Here’s an alternative option that might be even better?

Earlier this month, Time “asked four oncologists to describe the changes they've made in their own houses to reduce their daily exposure to chemicals, pollutants, and carcinogens.” I read it and thought…

Are they subscribed to Sway? I joke, I joke. (I wouldn’t recommend a microfiber cloth like the Time article did. 😉) But it inspired me to re-share our 2024 recs for optimal indoor air quality. ⬇️

Windows: Open them! Indoor air can have 2-5 times the concentration of pollutants as the air outside. Check your weather app or airnow.gov to confirm good outdoor air quality, then throw open your windows and bask.

Air filter: Upgrade her! The EPA recommends choosing a filter for your HVAC system with at least a Minimum Efficiency Reporting Value (MERV) 13 rating—just be sure to check with an HVAC expert to confirm your system can accommodate the change. For context, our home HVAC system can't tolerate a MERV 13 filter without going haywire, which is why I like to rely on other air clearing strategies like our…

Air purifier: Use one! Particularly in rooms where you spend the most time. Happy to share some very affordable options. Just hit reply.

Vacuum: Once a week, if ya please. With a HEPA filter vacuum. Indoor dust can harbor chemicals of concern that have offgassed from furniture and cleaning products.

Exhaust fan: Hit itttt. Gas stoves release lung irritants and are linked to childhood asthma.

Source control: Practice it! This is your first line of defense and typically the most effective way to improve indoor air quality. Source control = eliminating sources of pollution. AKA, shop our recs for better furnishings and paint, burn cleaner candles (or skip 'em), and choose cleaning products made without chemicals of concern. The Environmental Working Group's guide to safer cleaning products & the EPA's Safer Choice seal are good resources.

Shoes: Lose 'em. Leave them at the door (or even better, in the garage, if you're fortunate enough to have one!). Environmental chemists have found that shoes can track in an array of toxins from asphalt to lawn chemicals. Solution = house shoes (comfy shoes you only wear indoors), an essential for me.

✨

Until next time,
Jennifer @ Sway